emotions

It has been a roller coaster of feelings for the last week or so. It began with an emotional high of excitement to be going on vacation with many of the people I love. Only to come crashing down to the bottom as we all fell, one by one like dominoes, to an unseen enemy, a violent and extremely effective intestinal virus. It was fast and furious and without mercy. Every one of the sixteen of us fell into its nasty grip. Each us of for at least 36 hours were incapable of much more than kneeling before the porcelain bowl or lying feebly in our bed. Gratefully we slowly regained our stamina and are once again functioning among the living. It was a stark reminder of just how weak our flesh really is.

Next came my moving sale. I choose to sell most of my earthly possessions as I prepare to leave for full time service with Mercy Ships. Life on the ship requires one to be a minimalist and it did not make sense to pay to store what moth and rust will destroy. I thought I was ready for this. However, you do not know how much you are really attached to the "things I can surrender for the Lord", until you have people riffling though it and trying to tell you that it is not worth what you are asking for it. Or better yet, to not even be interested in your special treasures because to them it is just a bunch of junk. I spent a good part of my day in small and frequent prayers of surrender. Giving back to God what was already his and attempting to remember that it would all burn in the fire someday anyway. At least this way someone would benefit from it. Including me by having some extra finances to live on for a while. At the end of the day I was thankful for the freedom and grateful for the Lord for helping me work through the process.

Next came word from the Ship that a fellow crew member has died unexpectedly. It comes as quite a shock. Again my emotions are up and down. My heart grieves for his wonderful wife and the children I have never met. How their hearts must be hurting.  I rejoice for Him, for I know without a doubt he is in the presence of our King. This man loved, loved, loved the Lord. He and his wife have spent the last three years serving Him on the ships and doing all they could to share the love and light of Jesus with the people of Africa. I know he is in a place where there are no more tears, no more suffering and no more pain. He now knows even as he is fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12. But oh for those left behind. How my heart hurts.

Then today, one of the people I hold most dear in  the world is having a very difficult day. Unexpected change, and having people directly lie to her and about her. Undeserved, hurtful and undefended. My heart aches for her. Here is  someone  who loves the Lord and lives each day in surrender to him. Yet trouble still comes and knocks on her door. It is especially hard for me to deal with as I am scheduled to leave in  just a few hours. Everything in me, in  this moment, wants to stay and defend her, to stand and fight with her and to see what the Lords plan for her is. And yet, my path is  clear. I am to walk forward. It is not my fight. He reminds me that he loves her more than I do. That today was  not a surprise to Him. That he's got  this. And so again I am faced with the choice to surrender, walk forward in obedience or stay and have my own way. Walking with the Lord has taught me that my way is not the best way. It has often been a painful lesson. And although walking forward is challenging and may include some pain, I know it is the only choice for me. His way is always better. I have never regretted choosing to follow.  I don't know exactly what the path ahead holds but I do know it is where I am called. So the rest I lay down. I leave it at the throne. His hands are big enough, His heart is big enough and His grace is sufficient....even for my roller coaster emotions.