I still believe.....

The last 48 hours have been a lesson in trust and believing even when everything around you says to do otherwise. Sunday afternoon Renee and I took one of our newest kids to the hospital. He was not breathing well and was just not looking right. I told Renee that there was really nothing I could put my finger on but it just did not feel right. She agreed and off we went. Let me just say that hospitals here are just such a different experience than America. Have I said that before? It took over an hour for the staff to find an oxygen tank and get it hooked up but finally around 4pm baby H was on oxygen and showing some improvement. Next we had to go home and get the nebulizer that I had brought from American in October. Lesson there, always trust that leading in your heart.(I had no idea at the time what it was for.)The hospital had one, but it had broken parts and could not be used. Another hour and half later, a breathing treatment was given and once again some improvement was seen. Things seemed to settle a bit and plans were made on how to handle the rest of the night. With the baby admitted, the decision was made that I would stay at the hospital and Renee would stay at home with several of the others that needed medicated and observation. Things seemed ok. Well all that changed at 10:30. At that time the oxygen ran out and I was informed there was no more and no way to get anymore until morning. I was still very hopeful at this point but soon baby H began to have problems. A little after 11 we gave another breathing treatment which seemed to help a little but his breathing was still far from good. By 12:30 I was starting to get really concerned. I had at least 10 conversations with different nurses and staff trying to find a way to get more oxygen. Around 1 I called Renee, together we decided that we must move the baby in an attempt to get him oxygen. She made it to the hospital faster than I thought humanly possible. We spent the next hour and half driving from one hospital to another to clinics and private run homes that might possible have oxygen. While Renee skillfully drove at high speeds through the sleeping town, I was in the backseat with baby H trying to help him breathe via a bag and mask. We were turned away again and again from hospitals who had no oxygen. Finally around 2:45 despite our desperate attempt at CPR baby H slipped away as his mom stood helplessly by and watched. I have never felt so helpless, small and out of control in my life. My heart is broken for the life that ended 11 months after it began in a way that seemed so unfair.

So what do I do with this? I am trying desperately to run to God with it. With my pain, with my lack of understanding, and with my anger that I know needs to be given to him. I am trying to not put my American standards of how things should be on all of this. I am trying hard to trust and cling to the fact that God knew all of this would occur before the foundations of the earth were laid. He knew the number of days baby H would have, he knew Renee and I would be there, and he knew those we would wake in the night who would try so desperately to help. So in this moment, I don't pretend to understand. I am clinging to His character. To his goodness, and his mercy. To his Faithfulness. To His knowledge of what needs to happen and who needs to be involved. I am grateful that I can fall in his lap and cry and be broken and allow him to comfort me. I am so grateful that I do not have to try and work through this alone. He is my comfort.

I end by saying thanks to all who were praying that night. God answered those prayers. Just not in the way we would have hoped for. A special thanks to one person, Helen who worked so hard to help that night and shared in our suffering in the end.

As I write this I am listening to Jeremy Camp sing I still believe.....It is so right for the moment..

" I still believe in your in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth,

I still believe in your holy word,

Even when I don't see I still believe!"

Please pray that I will continue to walk by faith and not by sight.

And a note for Katie Patterson: God knew and was trying to prepare me for that night. It all makes sense now. Thanks for your faithfulness in sharing what God put on your heart.

Jennifer